In which I slate “The Rules”
This list is a work in progress, feel free to add to it
1. There is always one shit sibling. The black sheep. Overlooked due to the moral superiority of their brother or sister, devoid of Christmas spirit and the voice of derision.
2. Anything can be glossed over by the “spirit” of Christmas. You’ve lost your job/house/dog? That unrelenting and unquantifiable Christmas “spirit” won’t solve your problems but will ease your woes. Why? Because it’s Christmas!
3. There is ALWAYS a happy ending. Thanks in part to that spirit again, or in some films actual spirits. Of course there’s a happy ending, we couldn’t have Macauley Culkin being burgled, beaten up and left for dead. That just wouldn’t be cricket or Christmas.
4. Moral values. The great thing about morals in Christmas movies is that they’re always black and white. Naughty OR nice. Good OR bad. See again Home Alone’s burglars taking a well deserved iron to the face. The morals of Macauley’s parents however are questionable and definitely justify a neglect case.
5. Reality sucks. For the other 11 months of the year when it’s not officially “Christmas time” the weather is a constant hindrance, people are only nice to you on your birthday and your problems are met with sarcastic snorts rather than the jolly rallying round of your neighbours.
6. Which is why we all wish we lived in some permanent Christmas world. With soft white snow that doesn’t turn to sludge under our feet. Enough twinkly fairy lights to be seen from space and really get that global warming going. Elves everywhere, candy canes, unrestrained joy, who wouldn’t want that? Everyone. Eating chocolate Brazils everyday would soon lost it’s appeal.
7.At the end of the day morality goes out the window and we’re all children deserving of a treat. You can be the worst person in the world, quite literally pee on the parade, yet because of those intoxicating mulled wine fumes all is forgiven. You probably had a horrible childhood (shit sibling) or your dog died on Christmas Day, but you were an innocent once so it’s not your fault you’re a dick, have a toy.
Caitlin Moran wrote something recently which I took to mean it’s time for ardent feminists to put down their weapons. At least for a while. We all know Caitlin has been held aloft as the face of feminism, so this might seem a bit contradictory but she’s right.
I expect something nebulous to happen as I reach 6.66km on my pedometer. It never does, but that’s what I’ve been doing in case you’ve been wondering. I’ve also been doing a bit of work here and there which is why I haven’t been here. I know, I know, it’s been awful. Anyway, I hope soon to return on a more regular basis but for the mean time you can find me writing a weekly news round-up for the Irish News Review here: http://irishnewsreview.net/category/nibs you can follow on twitter here: @irishnewsreview