The Guardian ran a short feature on hot tubs last week, they’re cropping up everywhere, they said. What is all the fuss about having a bath outdoors? We should never have allowed washing to become a social occasional, we’re not romans. I don’t want the sweat and dirt of your body to mingle with mine, in water of more than adequate temperature for germs to have a FIELD DAY of procreation.
If I’m honest I’m not even sure they are everywhere. Or anywhere really, maybe about ten years ago. Happily and inline with global warming we seemed to get over the whole bringing the outdoors indoors thing, patio heaters, pizza ovens, hot tubs.
A pizza oven for your garden for fuck sake?! I have an oven in doors which can cook pizzas and the rest of the River Cottage cook book if I wanted it to. Honestly if you’re the kind of Sally buying a house because of its outdoor cooking facilities I’ve got news for you, you don’t have to pay council tax on a tent.
Anyway, I decided to google hot tubs and discovered; ’Hot Tubs & Friends & Lovers’ by lesser known writer, Spock Loves Cats. Star Trek fanfiction, in a hot tub. Dirty Star Trek fanfiction btw. Suddenly ’Hot Tub Time Machine’ film featuring John Cusack Seems quite pedestrian.
The opening line sets the scene: ‘The first time Lieutenant Commander Spock sees Cadet Uhura outside of his classroom, she is wearing only a white Academy logo’d swimsuit, stepping down into a hot tub.’ They end up doing yoga together. It’s so weird. There is also an Irish space cadet (?) fulfilling the galaxy’s ethnic-minority quota. He says things like ’feckin culchie’ as they all do, all the time. But it’s ok Uhura can speak Oirish,
’Uhura mentally sorts through Irish colloquialisms and says, “Ha! It’s a country boy! Actually, someone not city-bred, but it certainly applies to our Iowa farm boy, doesn’t it!” ’
And this is all before it starts to get REALLY WEIRD. Will Uhura and Spock contravene cadet rules and have a taboo affair? Will he see her final frontier? In a hot tub? With friends as the title suggests? If this isn’t further reason to eschew hot tubs and anything associated with them, I don’t know what is.
Now I’m off to finish ’Hot Tubs & Friends & Lovers’.